


Ash vs. Evil Dead vs. Evil Dead: The Musical

by TheGreatGreyBeast



Category: Ash vs Evil Dead (TV), Evil Dead (Movies), Evil Dead - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Kelly Maxwell, Blood and Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Evil Dead: The Musical - Freeform, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I read the terrible musical script for this, Town Hero Ash, theatre references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27156208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatGreyBeast/pseuds/TheGreatGreyBeast
Summary: When Ash's hometown writes and produces a musical based on his life he's more than reluctant to go. After Pablo and Kelly force him to show up, the evil dead crash the show and wreak havoc. With a cast of people dressed like deadites and deadites disguised as cast and audience, who can they trust? And more importantly: who will survive?
Relationships: Linda/Ash Williams, Pablo Simon Bolivar/Kelly Maxwell
Kudos: 4





	1. Overture

**Author's Note:**

> Not every hollow is sleepy as this one, but heads roll just the same...

“I can’t believe you talked me into this.”

The Ghost Beaters stood in the aisle of the small overcrowded Elk Grove theater, trying to hear each other over the sounds of commotion. 

“C’mon Jefe, it won’t be that bad. Plus the town’s doing it in your honor man, we can’t just leave.” Pablo said excitedly, his hands wrapped around a huge tub of popcorn. He threw a single kernel in the air and caught it in his mouth with a little smile. 

“Yeah Ash, lighten up. I thought you’d be _thrilled_ to see a show all about you.” Kelly said with a smug face, gesturing to the matching shirts she and Pablo bought from the lobby. They read “Evil Dead: The Musical”, blood and little Deadites stood out on the black empty spaces. 

“Well, lets just say that if I knew telling that weird little theater kid my life story would mean doing _this_ , I would’ve kept my trap shut.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it Jefe. What if it’s really good?” Said Pablo, ever the optimist. Ash looked at him incredulously with one raised eyebrow, he didn’t have much hope for this… production. 

“It might have hot girls in it.” Kelly said, hoping to shut him up. She shoved a handful of popcorn in her mouth. 

Ash clapped his hands together and rubbed them in anticipation. “Now you’re speakin’ my language kiddo! This might not be as big a train wreck as I thought.”

More and more people streamed in through the main doors, they swerved around the Three standing in the middle of the floor so as to not run straight into them. The room was hot and stuffy with the breaths of every citizen in town, but the energy of the room was bubbly regardless of the stifling atmosphere. Kids were tripping over each other to get their seats, sending popcorn flying and littering the already dirty theater floor. The exasperated parents followed after them in pointless pursuit. The high schoolers that were there gravitated more towards the seats in the very back of the room, they jeered and laughed loudly, speculating whether they’d make it through the whole show before falling asleep or not. The PTA moms were huddled up in a group towards the front of the stage, gushing about the one and only _Ash Williams._ They told fond stories of knowing him through acquaintances of acquaintances, shooting him not so sly looks from across the aisle. 

Ash noticed. He put on his best show stopper smile and winked at them. He called across the space separating them, “Yeah ladies, it’s me, the HERO of Elk Grove.” ‘Hero’ was said more to the entire room instead of just the PTA, fishing for the most attention possible. “Protector of good against evil, the Chosen One, General Manager, I have many names.” He continued on with the confidence of a man that knew everyone loved him, and **loved** the fact that everyone loved him. The crowd, who had been hanging on to his every word, applauded enthusiastically at his little speech. The PTA moms were fanning their faces and swooned just slightly from all the attention from a _celebrity_. “But what’s my full name?” He exclaimed to the theater-goers, looking for some quality audience participation. He raised a hand to his ear. 

“ASH WILLIAMS!” They called back in bouts of voices, eager to be part of the calamity.

“You know it!” Ash said, shit-eating grin on his face. 

“Ok, I changed my mind. Let’s go home.” Kelly said, rolling her eyes good naturedly. “It’s not fun anymore, you like this too much.”

“Go home and miss the show these fine people wrote about me? Now, that’d be rude!”

“That’s the spirit Jefe!” Pablo said, clapping him on the back.

The overhead lights dimmed and flickered. Ash tensed and turned his head side to side looking for anything out of the ordinary. “Deadites?” He asked urgently. 

“No, no, relax! That just means the show’s about to start.” Pablo tried to calm his nerves. 

He sighed in relief. “Ah, habit, you know.” He shrugged off the tense warrior stance. Pablo and Kelly nodded at him in acknowledgement, they’d been there done that. 

Kelly pointed to a couple empty seats smack dab in the middle of the auditorium. “Let’s go sit.” 

They shuffled off into their seats like everyone else. With everyone settled in, the uproarious talking had turned to whispers in the dark. A buzz of anticipation hung over the crowd. A single spotlight shot down on the dark stage, standing out like a bullet hole. There the mayor stood with a corded microphone. “How are we doing Elk Grove?” She prompted. 

They all clapped, and cheered, and whistled. This sort of thing didn’t happen often, and they were pretty excited to see something new happening in their (mostly) sleepy town. 

“This production is being put on by the Elk Grove community theater troupe. The show was written and scored by them as well from a first person account of the life events of our town savior, Ash Williams! This is dedicated to you tonight, Ash. Here’s to our original production, Evil Dead: The Musical. Enjoy!”

The applause geared up again as the Mayor walked off, the stage once again drenched in black. If you squinted hard enough you could see figures dressed in all black moving the set pieces on stage, moving swiftly and silently, almost like they’d never been there. Then suddenly, all the stage lights flashed on showing a huge Necronomicon that took up half of the front stage. The audience sat on the edge of their seats with rapt attention. 

The Ghost Beaters shared a slightly nervous glance, how accurate was this gonna be?

A voice over boomed through the theater speakers, “Legend has it that it was written by the Dark Ones-” Professor Knowby. So, pretty accurate it seems. It monologued to the audience about the Kandarian origins while the book stood menacingly still. _Tell me something I don’t know,_ Ash thought to himself. 

The lights shifted into more violent shades of red as the monologue came to a close. The book slammed shut, and was whisked up into the air by invisible strings. It flew up and disappeared into the rafters, and the show had officially begun. 


	2. The Show

“Hey look! It’s the Delta!” Pablo whispered, he playfully elbowed Ash as if he wasn’t seeing the same thing. A cheap car prop was made to look like his beloved Delta, and five college kids were inside over-enthusiastically singing about their destination: the infamous cabin in the woods. 

“That hunk of junk couldn’t touch the  _ real _ Delta.” Ash loudly (way too loudly) tried to whisper back. Nearly the whole section they were sitting in heard him over the show. The lady sitting in front of him turned around to give him a mild annoyed look. She looked him and up and down, and turned back to the stage. “What’s her deal?” Ash said to Pablo with the same volume as before. She turned around again to give him a quick glare, then whipped back to facing front. 

The backdrop was wheeled off and replaced with a new one of an old beat up cabin, the happy road scenery long gone. The teenagers hopped out of the iffy car, and it was quickly wheeled offstage by the crew. The five took center stage and struck a picture-esque pose, showing the end of the song and asking for applause. The actress playing Linda was most prominently featured in the front, looking as dainty and sweet as any heroine of a show would. 

“She’s hot!” Kelly and Ash spit out at the same time. Luckily, the crowd applauded right as they practically shouted at her, drowning out their aggressive admiration. 

As they clapped, Kelly leaned over and said “I’ll tap that if you don’t.” to Ash sitting next to her. 

“Fat chance! I’m the celebrity here, I’m definitely tappin’ that. She sorta used to be  _ my  _ girlfriend anyway.”

From Ash’s opposite side Pablo looked at Kelly with a frown. “But Kel, we’re literally dating. You could tap this,” He pointed two thumbs at himself, “anytime you want, and you’re trying to get with some chick you don’t even know?”

“Aw babe, I’m joking! You know you’re the only one for me.” She said, voice dripping with sentimentality. “I don’t even think she’s that hot.”

Satisfied with her answer, Pablo’s usual smile returned to his face and he re-focused on the show that was starting up again. 

Kelly mouthed “I do.” secretly to Ash. He nodded vigorously in agreement. 

The actors went inside the creepy cabin and made themselves at home. They talked about spring break, and partying, and who got the bedroom with the biggest bed for some good old fashioned sugar. 

Suddenly the trap door on the corner of the stage flung open; the cellar door was opened without anyone touching it. The whole party jumped a little in surprise. “What was that?” Said Fake Ash, stepping forward heroically. 

“Whatever it is, it’s still down there.” Linda said. She grabbed his arm for stability. 

Cheryl sat stiffly on the old couch, her hands digging into the cushions on either side of her. “I don’t like cellars. Let’s just close it up. It’s probably just some animal.” 

Real Ash was invested now. He motioned for Pablo to hand over the popcorn, never taking his eyes off the stage. He shoveled in the popcorn kernel by kernel, murmuring “No! Don’t go in there! Listen to Cheryl, she knows what she’s talking about!”

\----

The three had sat through an hour and a half of cheesy campy acting, haphazard dancing, and somewhat pitchy singing. And they were enraptured. Ash and Pablo watched in delight, while Kelly looked on with a grimace like it was a terrible car crash she couldn’t tear her eyes away from. 

The whole dead cast had “come back to life” for a demon flash mob, dancing aggressively at Fake Ash and Annie. Their clothes now torn up, and fake blood dripping from their wounds and pure white eyes. The Macarena was the best menacing dance they could come up with. 

Ash, newly without a hand, wielded his chainsaw arm against the evil dead. He held his other arm protectively in front of Annie, and tried to keep the Kandarian demons at bay. The dead advanced, still singing their sinister song:

Deadites always like to get their freak on

And when we get together we do the,

Necronomicon

Do the Necronomicon

Do the Necronomicon!

“Stay back!” Ash lunged forward, making a swipe at the surrounding crowd. The chainsaw’s engine roared and belched out thick black smoke, competing with the wailing and singing dead. 

“Ash!” Annie said as she stood very still, eyes wide. 

He turned back to see her, elbowing a demon in the face to get it out of the periphery. “What?” He called over. 

Annie gazed down to show him the blade lodged in her side, spilling out blood. Too much blood to be just a scratch. She gasped, the pain finally catching up to her. She sunk to her knees on the floor.

Ash shouldered through the dead to get to her. He cradled her in his non-lethal arm. 

“Ash?” She asked with tremendous effort. 

“What?” Ash said again, sounding completely defeated. His friends, family, and girlfriend had all died, Annie was the last one he could save. And here she was, bleeding out on a disgusting cabin floor. 

From the audience, Pablo had tears running down his cheeks, touched by the show. Kelly would never admit it, but she had a single tear going on, which she quickly wiped away before anyone could notice. 

Back on the stage, Annie struggled to reach the ancient book next to her. She lifted the Necronomicon with one hand, and held it out as an offering to her new friend. She coughed out “Go kick some ass.”

Ash nodded sagely, and took the book. He set her gently to the ground and stood up to his full height. He revved the chainsaw engine. “Come get some!” 

“Hey that’s my line!” The Ash from the audience said excitedly. 

The deadites reared back and attacked, the crowd descended on Fake Ash. He was shoved down to the ground and they completely enveloped him. It wasn’t looking too good for this town hero. 

A yell rang out on stage, and Ash was seen again. Now on his feet, he had a mad glint in his eye. He finally had the strength and confidence to just go apeshit. He slashed and sliced at the monsters in front of him to very upbeat music, his song. “Blood” spattered everywhere, covering his whole face and clothes as he made his last stand. The chainsaw hit the actor’s packs of fake blood under their clothes, unleashing an ocean of red. It splashed the entire front three rows, much to their surprise. He cut, and kicked, and elbowed, and headbutted, adding to the count of bodies strewn about on the floor. As his song went on he decimated the once large group down to just one deadite. Poor Linda. 

She scratched at him with her gnarly hands, trying to take out chunks. He dodged her attacks, not wanting to hurt her. 

She smiled darkly, “You always said I had a  _ killer  _ body.” She gnashed her teeth, and went straight for his jugular. He unleashed a right hook right to her forehead, sending her staggering backwards. 

Blood oozed out of her mouth from the blow. She circled him. “You found me beautiful once.” Old Linda shined through, sad at what they had become. They might’ve gotten married one day. 

But old Linda was no more, it was just this  _ thing _ messing with his head. “Well honey, you got reeeal ugly.” He put the book under his arm and slyly reached behind him to grab the shotgun off of Knowby’s desk. 

Linda noticed and rushed to rip it out of his hands. He quickly cocked it and shot her down, and she fell limp onto the piles of the others on the ground. Ash looked curiously for a moment, waiting for any movement. She stayed as still as the grave. He lightly kicked her side, drawing up his shotgun again for if she got up. Nothing. A look of sadness flitted over his face at her twisted body, then vanished. 

The only one left alive was him. He took center stage, and stood in all his glory in the spotlight. He dusted off his clothes and ran a hand through his hair. He smirked at the audience and struck a pose, “Groovy.”


	3. The Encore

The theater lights turned on, and a couple people stood for a standing ovation, peer pressuring the rest of the less enthusiastic crowd to follow suit. Real Ash whooped and hollered on his feet, flattered by the handsome fake him and his performance.

The “dead” actors rose to their feet with proud smiles, lining up for bows. They waved to the crowd, exhausted but happy about their successful show. 

The lights started to flicker subtly, but no one took much notice and continued on with their business. Fake Ash came out with the Necronomicon and held it above his head, then bowed. He set the book down and slid it to the back of the stage. Linda joined him from stage right, he took her hand in his and raised them above their heads, and they bowed together. They straightened out and he drew her in close and dipped her. The crowd roared louder at the romantic display. Now there was loud white noise, a ringing in the theater from some sort of electrical malfunction, maybe microphone feedback?

Kelly furrowed her brows, and listened close. She elbowed Ash lightly, “What is that noise? Do you hear that?” He paid her no mind and didn’t answer, he was too busy fawning over himself. 

She reached behind Ash to tap on Pablo’s shoulder. He stopped clapping to give her his full attention.“Do you hear something?” She asked him.

He stood still and listened. “Yeah I hear it! Maybe they got a broken speaker or something.” He shrugged. 

“Yeah. Maybe.” It could be something like that, but she wasn’t convinced. Her gut was telling her something was wrong. But then again, she was a bit too trigger happy these days. 

The actors started to wave goodbye and end the show for the night. Then, a loud tumultuous crash tore through the theater, followed by something huge shattering. The bewildered actors and the crowd flinched and held their ears, fear starting to rise. The applause was gone, now people only nervously murmured, wondering what was going on. Linda squinted against the bright stage lights to look up to the tech booth, questioning this new development.

The lights shot up to full brightness, blinding everyone. As quickly as they turned up they slammed back down, covering the place in darkness. Silence. No one dared move or make a sound, even the baby towards the front that cried all through act one sat quiet. 

A deafening growling scream came from backstage. Whatever made the noise slunk over and grabbed one of the actors. In the pure black nobody saw what was happening, but they heard him scream out and thrash against the stage floor with his nails, trying to get away. It dragged him quickly somewhere backstage near the dressing rooms. The actor screamed out for help, and the growling scream was heard again. Then, silence. 

“Whoa Ash, Kel’s right, something’s up.” Pablo said in his quietest voice. 

“No shit Pablo.” Obviously. She knew she was right. 

“Hey, we don’t know that. This could be a part of the show or something?” Said Ash, hoping that his break from fighting demons wasn’t over just yet. It’s like you can’t go anywhere without deadites up your ass anymore. 

Another actor from stage right let out a blood curdling scream. This time the thing picked her up and threw her against the adjacent wall. They could hear her body crack and then slide down to crumple and lay still on the floor. 

“Are you hearing the same thing I am? You watched the show, these people couldn’t act their way out of a paper bag. This whole thing is too convincing to be real.” Kelly argued. 

“Well then let’s do something about it! The whole town’s here, there’s little kids here, we gotta do something!” 

“Fine.” Ash sighed. “Let’s save the day  _ again.  _ Protect the other Me and Linda would you? They’re way too hot to end up roadkill. Got it?” 

“Got it.” Pablo said with conviction. 

Kelly’s rolled eyes went unseen in the dark. 

A bright red colored spotlight clanked on onstage, a small light life preserver in a sea of black. Fake Ash was front and center. His face was completely blank, with absolutely no emotion behind his eyes. 

“Speak of the devil- here’s the star of the show!” Ash said fondly to his doppelganger. 

Fake Ash pivoted to stare directly into Ash’s soul. His face began to twist and contort, his eyes sunk into his skull and his skin turned a dark greyish color. “Ashley Williams,” his horrible screeching voice cried out, “We’re here to rip out your soul!” He retched up gallons and gallons of black ooze, drenching the terrified front rows for real this time. 

“No. No, no, no, not you! Anyone but you!” This was not the plan. He specifically said to protect the other him, and now look at him. 

“Just smash his face in already!” Kelly said, hand resting above the knife she had clipped to her belt, ready to pounce at any moment. 

Fake Ash let out a harsh barking laugh. “Aw, tired of the show?” He taunted. “Too bad... We were just about to do an encore.” The lights all flashed on. The actors stood frozen to the spot in fear, unsure of what to do. Fake Ash nodded, and every other actor on stage started squirming in pain. 

The unaffected ran off screaming, gunning for the side exits. “What are you doing to them?” Linda frantically asked him, holding the hands of a spasming actress friend of hers still on stage. 

The people that ran to the side doors jiggled the door handles in an attempt to escape. They wouldn’t budge. “They’re locked!” The guy closest to the doors said. “We’re locked in here with them!” A new sense of dread creeped into the crowd. This really wasn’t part of the show, and there was a good chance none of them were getting out of there alive. 

Linda pushed back the hair on her friend’s face with care, watching her twitching eyes for any sign of recovery. “Jessie? Please be alright.” She pleaded with her. The friend lifted her face to Linda’s, and showed off her new glowing white eyes. Linda gasped in surprise, it was worse than she thought. The friend pushed her off with full strength, and the new deadites all rose simultaneously. They had created their own tap-shoed and bedazzled dead army. Linda fled, and hurried down the stage stairs. Once on the regular floor she walked slowly backwards, careful to keep her eyes on the threat. Her arms were raised in a fighting stance, tentatively ready to take on anything that came her way. 

“Eat shit, Ash Williams.” Fake Ash snarled. 

“Woah. That’s a little uncalled for, don’t you think?” Ash said. 

“Kill him and get the book! 5, 6, 7, 8.” Fake Ash counted them in, and on eight he motioned for his lackeys to push forward and tear into the masses. They obediently rushed out, looking to do as much damage as possible. Fake Ash shuddered, and fainted. 

“Oh fuck! Pablo lead everyone somewhere safe, Ash and I will handle this.” Kelly said, looking into his eyes. 

He nodded. “Stay safe. I’ll be back.” He said softly to her. He grabbed a small hunting knife out of his backpack he brought to be prepared. “Everyone to the booth! Stay together!” He bolted, trying to round up the huge group of frightened people to hole up safely in the booth towards the back of the building. People were trampling each other, pushing and shoving to desperately try and make it to salvation. Kids were hoisted up onto parents’ shoulders, sobbing from the terror. Pablo acted as a sheepherder, flanking the group to move them and to fight off danger from behind. 

The deadites split up. Three went after Pablo and the others, and the rest decided to tear The Chosen One limb from limb, him and the angry chick. 

Ash and Kelly stood back to back, dukes and knife up. The stench of the dead circled them. A deadite reached its arms out and dragged its claws against the skin on Ash’s neck, drawing blood. He landed a strong punch right to the deadite’s teeth with his metal prosthetic, sending it reeling. Enthusiastic deadites clambered to take the first’s place, greedy hands all reaching out to get a piece of the (short lived) retiree. He shoved off a couple more, and elbowed another in the gut. “Any more knives on you?” 

Kelly was breathing hard, slashing up the deadite in front of her. “Only one I got.” She grunted and moved on. She turned and landed a brutal side kick to the chest of fake Shelly. Her body buckled and fell back so hard her tap shoes slipped off. 

“Damn.”

“Go! Go! Go!” Pablo ushered people up the booth stairs, eyes scanning the theater. 

“Hey. You.” He pulled a woman out of the scrambling crowd, Linda. Her body shook just slightly. She was covered in grime and gore, and she had the tell-tale white eyes. “Get back!” Pablo exclaimed at the intruder, there was no way in hell he’d let her hurt anyone. He held her at knifepoint. 

“Woah, woah, what are you doing?” Linda said angrily. “Let me go with everyone else!”

“I bet you’d want that, demon.” She sounded convincing, but Pablo wasn’t going to let one of these things trick him. 

“What? Demon?” She tilted her head back and took out the white covering in her eyes with the padding of her finger. “These are just contacts, see? From the show. Same with the rest of the makeup on me.”

“Oh no, I am so sorry!” He sheathed the knife again. She was still shaking, and he made it worse. “That look is really convincing. Your whole role was really convincing actually, you were great.” He said, trying to backpedal his aggressiveness before and soothe her a little. 

“Thanks.” She said. She had steadied a bit. 

He opened his mouth to say something else, but was cut off with distant yells. Ash and Kelly. 

“Sorry to leave you, but I have to help my friends. Can you make sure everyone else gets in safe?” Pablo said seriously, one hand on her shoulder. 

She laughed at him. Something in her face changed, her eyes more fiery now. She gave a solid nod, “Can do.” 

Against his better judgment he handed over his knife. He raised his eyebrows, “I better see you alive after all this.” 

She felt the weight of the knife in her hands. She flicked it open, the lights above refracted off of it to highlight her face. “You’ll see me again. I promise.” She brought her eyes back up to his. 

“Good.” He nodded, hoping she was right. He gave a small wave, and ducked around the corner to some stairs. Back to business. 

Pablo jogged down the second flight of stairs. More people streamed past him, but the number was starting to dwindle. Good, that meant almost everyone was safe in the booth! Or, maybe there were a lot of dead townies out there. Hopefully the first one. 

He was about to turn the corner again, but heard strange noises coming from below. He stopped, his gut telling him to hold up and listen. People were walking with unnatural loud thunks up the concrete stairs. And their voices came out oddly deep, and sounded almost demonic in a way--  _ Oh no _ , those aren’t people. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” Pablo looked around for anything that could help him out. “Why’d I give away my only murder weapon?” He whispered to himself frantically. There was nothing he could use, it was an empty cement staircase. He had to get creative, and quick. 

Three deadites shambled up the stairs, walking in a single file line. In front was dancing deadite #3, followed by Cheryl, and flanked by Scott. Cheryl giggled, a giggle so high pitched and frightening it’d make you stop dead in your tracks. Scott grunted and elbowed her sharply. Again she laughed, this time even louder to spite Scott. #3’s tap shoes clicked against the cement menacingly to really let you know death was on its way. 

Once the three got close enough to the top of the stairs, Pablo jumped out from his cranny hiding spot off to the side. “Ha!” He kicked #3 in the stomach to send all of them rolling down. But before he knew it, #3 grabbed his leg and the four of them tumbled down an entire flight. Every other step you could hear the tap shoes tap. 

Pablo groaned in pain when he finally hit the bottom step. He was sandwiched between all their bodies. He tried to wrench free, but Scott wouldn’t let him. Scott firmly planted both feet on the ground, and picked Pablo up by the neck. He pinned him to the theater wall, grinning an inhuman grin. Pablo kicked and struggled against his grip, feeling short of breath. He tried to tear his hands off his neck, but his demon strength made it impossible. Pablo felt faint. His head was cloudy, and he was choking on the little air he had left. The deadite’s claws were cutting into his skin. He felt like he had nowhere to go. So this is how it ends, after all he’s been through? He stopped struggling, finding moving too exhausting now. His head lolled to the side, on the brink of death. 

Out of the corner of his eye, and through fuzzy vision, he saw a red box mounted on the wall near his shoulder. This was his chance! He landed a weak hit on the glass of it, but that only made the deadite angrier, and Scott squeezed even harder. Pablo panicked, and as a last ditch effort he jammed his fist as hard as he possibly could into the glass. It shattered. The glass cut up his right hand, but it was worth it for that sweet sweet murder weapon. The fire axe! Pablo took it in both hands and swung. It lodged itself halfway through Scott’s neck. The power of the blow made Scott let him go, and Pablo landed on his feet with his hands still clutching the axe. He took in huge gulps of air to catch his breath, then wrapped his leg around Scott’s and pulled. Scott fell to the ground, and even in a compromising position he grinned that horrible grin. Pablo pulled the axe out, and slammed down hard once more to fully finish the job. “That was for being such a huge dick in the show!” The separated head wriggled on the floor a bit. Pablo breathed lighter now, he rubbed at the forming bruises on his neck. “Who’s next?”

The other two were rummaging through Pablo’s backpack that landed a few feet away. #3 pulled out a picture of Pablo posed with Ash and Kelly from the day they spent at the lake a while back, they were the perfect image of huge smiles and sunburnt fun. That was the day Ash did what every old man eventually does, teach the youngins to fish. That was one of their good days. 

“Hey! Get your dirty hands off that!” Pablo yelled, his voice rough and scratchy from being strangled. He ran to them. Cheryl got to him first, he absently struck her in the side and she staggered off to the side. 

He was face to face with #3. “Give me the picture and maybe I’ll spare you.” He lied. #3 smirked evilly, and went to tear up his picture. 

“No!” He brought the axe above his head, then down, chopping off #3’s hands. The picture and the hands splatted to the floor. Pablo squatted down and quickly snatched his picture and backpack back. The disembodied hands both flipped him off angrily from the carpet. 

“You want any more of THIS?” Pablo drew the axe back and jumped forward, making the other two flinch. 

The two were drained. Cheryl limped over on her good side and put her arm around #3. They both turned and let out an ungodly screech at Pablo, and hobbled off together. The hands got up and ran after them. 

“Good.” Pablo thought to himself. “I didn’t want to deal with you anyway.” For now, he had to fight for his friends. 

He looked out to see the main theater floor. There, towards the front of the stage, was Kelly and Ash completely surrounded by deadites. They were putting up their best fight, but it was clear they wouldn’t last long like this. He wanted to help, but he had to have a game plan. 

He stalked forward low to the ground, and made it over to the nosebleed seats. He crawled over some fallen bodies, but he found a nice shielded hiding place between the seats for the time being. He rummaged through the pockets of the people he passed. Lint, wallet, loose candy, business card, Hello! Big knife in some guy’s back pocket. Now he had a backup. He pocketed the knife, then poked his head up to check the scene again. His friends were still fighting for their lives, but were very much alive. He slunk up a few rows to get in a better position to jump out and help save the day. He moved over a couple more bodies, but tripped over the last one, a limp woman. 

To his surprise, the woman got up. It was Annie from the show. He held his axe close. “Are you one of them?” He asked. 

She flushed a deathly white and raised both her hands. “No! I’m alive! Don’t hurt me!” 

“How do I know for sure you’re alive?” He asked, checking to be absolutely sure. 

“Well,” She started. “If I was dead I would be after you and your friends right? Not trying to play dead in the back.” 

“Good point. I believe you.”

Annie sighed a breath of relief. 

“Do you want to help fight off these things? We need all hands on deck, and here-” He pulled his new knife out. “Here’s something to fight with!” 

She shook her fearfully. “No… I’m not much of a fighter.”

He put his knife back. “Oh. So why are you not in the booth with everyone else? It’s safe there. I have a man on the inside.” He fondly referenced Linda. 

“I’m a coward. I’m too afraid to fight back, I’m too afraid to run. I just stay still.” She motioned to the dirty floor she was on. “I know my character’s this huge badass but, that isn’t me.” She stole a glance at the fighting and ducked back down. She looked like she was going to be sick. 

“You need to go! It’s a straight shot to the back, duck behind the chairs then run for it when you get close enough. I’ll have the dead guys distracted, so it’ll be safe. But if you stay here it’s certain death. Got it?”

“Got it.” She said weakly. 

“We split on the count of three, ok? Don’t look back, just run.”

She nodded. 

“One… two… three!” Pablo stood up and walked to the aisle in plain sight while Annie booked it to the safe house. 

“Hey you assholes!” He shouted over the noise. It echoed through the entire building. The deadites quit bashing on his friends to turn and see what the commotion was about, giving Ash and Kelly a break. While the deadites’ attention was held, he threw his spare knife to Ash, never breaking eye contact with the group of the evil dead. Ash caught it, very grateful to have an actual weapon again.

“Pablo!” Kelly called, her whole face lighting up at the sight of him.

“I got your book right here!” He said to the demon horde. He raised his backpack. “Come and get it!” 

Ash and Kelly looked at him incredulously. “Kid what are you doing?” Ash questioned. 

“I’m serious, it’s in here. If you want it so bad why don’t you take it from me?” 

From the back, Annie had successfully made it up the stairs without any fight. 

Still the deadites stood completely still. This had never happened before. “Come on!” Pablo was getting frustrated. Usually they’d be trying to rip out his throat by now, what was the hold up?

The group of deadites blinked. They twitched back into motion, and all stampeded his way. 

Satisfied his plan worked, Pablo stayed in place and held the bag temptingly to taunt his aggressors. Kelly looked at Ash and shrugged, and they both trailed after the dead. The snarling and growling mass got close, and he made his move. He hopped over the theater chairs, and got into the thin walkway between seats. The limited amount of room funneled the deadites single file, they trailed after Pablo like a twisted game of follow the leader. The force behind him was too strong, and he was pinned back to a chair. He held the backpack for dear life. 

“Jefe! Catch!” He arched his arm back and vaulted the bag, hoping it was hard enough to make it into the right hands. 

From a handful of rows away Ash slid to catch it. He scooped it up with a sly smile, he knew Pablo’s game now. The deadites shifted gear and rushed at him instead, letting Pablo free. “Kel go long!” He spiraled the bag like a football champ before anyone could touch him. 

Kelly stood ready in the aisle diagonal from Ash. She jogged backwards, eyes on the bag the whole way. She jumped up and snatched it out of the air with both hands. “What the fuck is going on right now?” She asked. 

“A good old fashioned game of catch kid!” Ash answered unhelpfully.

She was distracted, and they had caught up to her. She wiggled the bag at a deadite like a red scarf in the face of a bull. Before the deadite could grab it she yanked it away, and the deadite extra slammed head first into another body. 

“Hey throw it back to me!” 

“Ok.” Kelly spun and hurled it back to Pablo. Their lives were already so goddamn weird, this might as well happen. 

The three continued on with their half baked, no end solution plan. The keep away method kept them all safe, for now. 

Linda and Annie watched on from their hiding spots in the back. 

“Tell me again _ exactly _ what I’m doing.” Linda said intently. 

“Ok, the Necronomicon is upstage there.” She pointed to it, and looked to Linda to see if she spotted it. Linda nodded. “On page 26 there should be a banishing incantation. Say it aloud and those things are sucked back to Kandar and everyone’s back to normal.” 

“Really? The fake Necronomicon? That’s your master plan?” 

“Hey, it’s a word for word re-creation I made of the real one! And if I’m right, it should work. Unless you have any better ideas?” Said Annie. 

“No you’re right, let’s go with your thing.” Linda sighed. “I can get up there but you have to cover me.”

“But-”

Linda forcefully handed her her knife. “No buts, we’re in this together now. I have my job and you have yours.”

Annie nodded in agreement, but her nerves were already taking over. 

Linda shrugged. “Let’s go kick some ass?” She repeated Annie’s line back to her as a joke, trying to lighten the moment. 

“Light ‘em up!” Pablo lit a big smoke bomb from his backpack. He rolled it into the crowd, and lit two more to fully obscure everyone’s vision to buy more time. Purple smoke covered every inch of the building. The Ghost Beaters and deadites alike were left to feel their way around, not knowing what came next. Pablo dropped to the ground to crawl his way where there was less smoke. 

Annie and Linda made their way up to the stage, backs against the wall to not get lost in the chaos. Annie coughed on the thick smoke, but still held out her knife in defense. 

“Where are you guys?” Ash shouted into the purple void. 

“Over here!” Kelly said far off to his left. 

“Back here!” Pablo was closer to the nosebleed seats. None of them were even remotely close to each other. 

“Stay where you are and stab anything that gets close.” Wise words from the Chosen One himself. 

Pablo’s axe swished and whacked through the air, taking Ash’s advice in full stride. He closed his eyes to fully focus on hearing where the deadites were coming from. Blood soaked his skin and clothes, but it didn’t look too out of place on his Evil Dead: The Musical shirt. 

Ashy Slashy slashed left and punched right, fighting off the demons trying to kill him. He huffed and puffed trying to catch his breath. He really was getting too old for this. 

Kelly broke the arms of anything that touched her. And gave it a final stab just to be sure. 

Annie and Linda tripped on the side stage stairs. They grunted on impact, not expecting to be this close to the stairs already. Linda felt for Annie, and put a hand on her shoulder. 

“We’re almost there.” She gave her an encouraging squeeze, and they kept moving. 

They crawled on hands and knees up the handful of stairs. At the top step Linda lost her footing, Annie reached out and grabbed her arms to pull her up. 

“Thanks.” Said Linda. She linked arms with Annie to keep close. “Now let's find that book.”

“It’s somewhere upstage.” Annie reiterated. 

They walked to the general area they thought it’d be in, and went to work. They bent down and patted the stage floor to suss out where it was. 

Annie took a few steps backwards, covering more ground. Her foot hit something solid. The thing slid a few inches away from the force. She reached out her leg and hooked the thing with her foot, drawing it closer. She picked it up and felt the edges. A misshapen rectangular book! “I got it here!” 

From a foot away Linda said “Nice! Give it to me, I’ll do what needs to be done.” Annie found her and handed her the book. “You go turn on the work lights. The panel is over in the wings to your right. But hurry, the smoke’s fading out and they’ll be able to see us soon.”

“Ok. Good luck.” Annie meant it with everything she had in her. 

“Break a leg you mean.” 

“Whatever. Just go save the day already.” 

They both went their separate ways. Annie went to go find the light panel, and Linda hooked a right to find the stairs up to the fly system that hung above the stage. The smoke was starting to clear a bit, and there the steep stairs stood, just barely seen. She ran up them, careful not to fall this time. She reached the top, fifteen feet above the stage. She leaned over the fly railing looking for Annie. 

Annie found the panel, and pried it open. In it there were dozens and dozens of switches and she had no idea which one she needed to activate. She flipped one to see what would happen, nothing. 

“Fuck it.” She dragged her hand across the board and flipped on every single one. The lights all kicked on, cutting through the last remaining fog. “Now!” She yelled to Linda. 

Linda heard her, and flipped to the page she needed. She waved her hand to clear a bit more smoke from her vision and read aloud, “Aton neran ofas kanda samonda roba areda gyes indy en zeen nos feratos _ -” _

From the audience, the deadites felt what was going on. They all shrieked, either in pain or annoyance. They abandoned fighting Ash, Kelly, and Pablo to stop their imminent banishment. They ran at the stage, almost crawling over each other in desperation to stop what was happening.

“nos feratos Amen non ak adeem- _ ”  _ They were on stage and ready to rip her apart. Annie stood head on in front of their path. She stayed still, knife raised, finally ready to become the badass she always wanted to be. 

“razin arozonia Kanda _!”  _ Linda finished with a flair. The deadites’ bodies all shook viciously in place, finally being shoved back to Kandar. They cried out in anguish, not wanting to go so soon. 

Then stillness. The demons were gone, leaving only their human vessels behind. The people fell to the floor to lie in a big pile. Annie ran over to assess the damage. She held two fingers to the side of the neck of a guy laying closer to the top. “This one has a pulse! I think everyone's ok!”

Linda skittered down the fly stairs to reunion with her newfound partner in crime. They rejoiced, and hugged, glad to be safe at last. 

The Ghost Beaters limped over to talk to the girls. 

“Uh, what did you guys do? I didn’t even bring the Necronomicon with me today.” Pablo said, completely astonished. 

“We improvised!” Said Linda.

“Ash let us photocopy the book months ago so I could make an exact replica of it, we just used our Evil Dead knowledge to carry us the rest of the way.” Annie added. 

“Well, I’m glad I took a chance on you two. You did it! Usually it’s us doing badass moves and saving the whole town.” 

“Yeah. You guys did good.” Kelly said, overcome with emotions. She pulled Pablo in for a huge hug and a loving kiss. She pulled away, “I’m glad we’re all ok.”

“Not all of us.” Ash said distraught, looking down at his play double that still lay on the stage floor. “Why do the beautiful ones always die young?” He slightly shook Fake Ash to get any kind of response. Suddenly, the double took a big intake of breath and opened his eyes. He sat upright and hyperventilated, almost on the verge of an anxiety attack.“Woah there handsome, calm down. You’re safe today.” Ash said happily.

Linda broke off from Annie and went to check on her co-star. She grabbed him gently by the shoulders and tried to talk some sense into him. “Hey, hey it’s ok! Everything’s fine. Take deep breaths.” His shallow breaths shakily turned deeper, trying to calm his heart rate. He still couldn’t talk, but that would come back with time. 

“So,” Ash said to Linda. “Are you two actually together? ‘Cause you make a smokin’ couple.”

Linda laughed. “No! He’s my cousin, they just casted us like that.” 

Ash grinned triumphantly. “You don’t say? Well, how do you feel about the real deal?” He said, pointing to himself. “I mean, now that we’re both heroes and everything.”

She narrowed her eyes. “What are you asking?”

“I’m hot, you’re hot. Let’s make out. Whaddya say?” Ash said, shooting his shot. 

She couldn’t believe it, but she was all for it. Maybe because her cousin was getting better, maybe because she found him strangely good looking for an older guy, or maybe because the adrenaline from saving the whole town interfered with her better judgement, but she jumped down from the stage and went right into Ash’s arms. He pulled her in close, and their lips connected. He smiled into the kiss, sort of glad he came to watch the stupid show. 

He pulled away and they gazed into each other’s eyes. “You’re hot, talented, and a great kisser? Where’ve you been all my life Linda?”

“Wait. You know Linda’s not my real name right? Like that’s just the part I play?”


End file.
